You would never think .

Actually I never really thought about blogging untill a few days ago . I realized that i no longer keep a journal ( for i dont know why) .. all i knew is that i need to let go of some of these thought i have cause keeping them in my head is seriously driving me crazy = ) . I have so much to talk about , so much to say so if someone does decied to read this dont be amazed at the spelling grammer or how i just jump from one thought to another . Let me start with manndell and how much love i had for him ... it hurts so bad i really dont know to just be like okay im so happy for you guys when i really dont know how to feel .... You tell me when you grow up with someone and and everyone says how you guys should be together .. you see it too . eveyone except him oneday he come and tell you he is moving and you guys kiss and it was one of thoes kisses that you will remember for a long time to come .. ( that happened when i 13 and now im 18) time passes ( and i mean some time ) you find him again .. the first thing that when through my mind is we can finally be together .. I mean , we are perfect for each other ..I know everything about him and he knows everything about me . this is ment to be RIGHT ???? . I told him how i felt i told him way back when we were in middle school . I told him agian, again. and he kept givin me the same run around story .. " im not ready to be with someone cause i got alot going on " so on and so fourth.... come to find out all along he was with someone else . why couldnt he just tell me ? why did he half to put me through that ?... I was my best friend . no doubt . After i got over that i got into a realtionship with someone ( thats another story) and then he started to come around .. calling , wanting to see me .. so on and so fourth . that went on for a good 8 months things we good .. we talked every night i was starting to become okay witht the fact that we werent going to be together . untill oneday we seen each other that day was so much fun and he made it seem like in the end it would work out between the both of us .. I let it be . we kept in touch untill oneday i would call him and he wouldnt pick or when he did he had nothing to say to me . or my favorite i will talk to you later kimmy is around .... before it was never a problem . but HEY i understood . Perfectly . Myh mom had offfered to take him all expensivese paid trip with us to florida but he turned it down never really did say why .. he just said he would go but never said anything else about it . Finally i take the trip to florida . and i get a call from him ( we havent talked in weeks) and he says too me " i didnt tell you did i ? " .. " @#$%^ and I are engaged . I was still for the longest not saying a word ... all i could think about is the past to the furture over and over agian .. all that we been through .. how i did the best i could to be therefore him when he needed and then i stopped cryed and said hold on .... i was always the one who was there where was he ? ..... he texted me like 30 mins after and was like oh wow thanks, I really love how much you care I asked him if he herd himself how much I care .. I .. me ..Nieyma ... what about me .. what about him caring abotu me how much does he care for me ?? hello . he really didnt say nothing important back ... i still shocked now that i think about it ... how could he do that ? i mean we are so young .. we just became senniors .. we got our whole lives .. forget about me .. what about all that she put you thru .. you wanna marry that ?. man whatever . I loved him more then i loved sammy ( exboyfriend for some odd years) and he was the love of my life for sometime . I cant even talk to him with out thinking about blowing up and him .. right now i feel as though we shoudlnt talk . it hurts that much .. for who ever is reading this may think im being selfish to a point && maybe your right . But if you only really knew the whole story to thins you would feel how i feel and thats the feeling of blankness . im not mad .... annymore ..Iam hurt to a point ... i just really dont know . but i see him in a difrent light now . I guess im happy if he is too.. I love you ... no doubt about that . but now i need to let go and love you from a distance .